Today I broke but I put myself back together. I often refer to myself as an Alien, Frankenstein, or a Zombie 🧟‍♀️ (because of my weird skin lesions caused by Scleroderma, rare diagnosis’s 👽, my scars, my right nipple leaks blood (Yep 😳) and most recently, my fingernails are falling off). I guess I found a new reason to use super glue 😂. Kidding! Instagram didn’t appreciate that sentence. I can joke about my own conditions. Usually when I’m diagnosed with something new it takes me anywhere from a few hours to a few days to pull myself together… but I always do. I can usually handle my own diagnosis’s but when it comes to a diagnosis of a family member I Crumble.

My dad has had melanoma for many years. He usually gets a surgery that’s called “Mohs Surgery”. My dad gets checked once a month so he’s able to undergo the Mohs Surgery because the cancer is caught at a early stage. The last time he had the Mohs was in October 2019, and they removed 19 melanoma spots from my dad.

In Mohs Surgery, cancer isn’t removed one later at a time in a outpatient setting. It is usually performed under local anesthesia. After each layer is removed, It is then carefully examined under a microscope. A technician determines whether or not all cancer cells have been removed from the tissue sample. So basically you sit there while they cut into you, Biopsy, And repeat until it comes back cancer free.

In October they found one spot on his thumb that they knew was too deep for the Mohs. I found out that spot, (more of a bloody sore), ended up being Stage 4 Melanoma.

My dad kept Rescheduling the surgery because I’ve been in and out of the hospital quite a bit since October. Today my dad had the surgery. They Amputated his left thumb, right above the knuckle. So now we wait… The Biopsy of the Bone Marrow was sent to see if it spread. It did spread. My dad will have his second amputation in April.

I can usually calm myself with my diagnosis’s, I’m dying so nothing new can shock me. Well actually that’s not true. I have been shocked by many rare diagnosis’s, Shit NORD • (National Organization for Rare Disease) has a huge file on me, and physically shocked. Google: Nerve Conduction Study ⚡️⚡️⚡️) 😂. Whether it’s listening to Music or watching one of my Horror Films, that I refer to as my “comfort food”, it does the trick. But when I see something that affects my family it causes extreme anxiety.

I separate my “ramblings” into sections because as I mentioned I’m not a writer and “I tend” to understand things more clearly when they’re broken into sections. And this is some sort of hardcore Rambling/Mashup. 🙃

Family/Caretakers: Having my dad go through cancer and my mom being told she’s losing her daughter to cancer has affected her greatly. She tries so hard to make us both happy. She makes my dad his favorite foods. Helps him perfect “the man cave aka my old bedroom”. Yes Dad Does Leave Some of my Framed Fangoria Pictures up. He’s a Fan of ‘The Shining’ so Jack remains on the wall. Making us laugh. Mom is hilarious and I like to think I get my sense of humor from her. She still does the things her and I used to do together but instead without me. She sends me videos the whole time during these outings. Example: Halloween Shopping and Going to Book Stores. She’ll take a video of herself interacting with everything in the store. Mom has no fucks given what people think. She does it to make me smile.

Now my mom is ill. She spent 2 weeks in the hospital for diverticulitis and a severe spinal issue that will require surgery scheduled for the first week of April. Her spine showed several acute/chronic cord compressions and fractures and Neural Foraminal Stenosis.

She only tells us, Dad and I, (she takes us both to our appointments) the stuff that we will notice, like today, next time I see my dad I obviously would notice his thumb was missing. She doesn’t do this to be shady, she does it so we don’t stress out because we both have heart conditions.

My mother believes strongly in miracles. There’s nothing wrong with that at all. But on December 16, 2019 I wanted my Neuro to explain in detail to my mom what was happening to me cannot be fixed by miracle. She’s been to every appointment and heard every diagnosis but was still hoping for a miracle. I guess hearing something and seeing something documented makes a difference. It’s now officially on paper. My Brain is Dying and They Can’t Fix it. My Neuro did cry and of course my mom was hysterical but I needed her to know and understand that what’s happening to me can’t be fixed by a miracle.

I live with my life partner, best friend… I could use every term in the book to express true love, commitment and devotion. I don’t need a piece of paper to call him my one and only. He Takes care of me and our 19 Fur Child Diva Dino Cat, like my mom takes care of my dad. By taking care of, I mean Physically and Emotionally. Dad and I both Frequent the Hospital. My Mom and Life Partner are Not Doctors. 🏥

I’ve developed a couple other cancers as well, some serious auto immune diseases and syndrome’s that I’ve never even heard of. Some are linked to the radiation, as I mentioned in a Previous post, and some are not.

Bucket List From Bed: I also explained in a previous post I am visually impaired and have absolutely NO peripheral vision which makes it very hard to go places. Especially places with shiny floors. The floors look swirly. I use a walker which has a seat but what fun is it having to take two steps, get nauseous, and sit down and watch the room spin for a half hour. At the hospital they make me use a wheelchair because of this (Fall Risk-YELLOW BAND 🙃). This is the first time I’ve said this, but I haven’t been able to go anywhere since 2018, (Other than the hospital).

It’s pretty hard to make a Bucket List From Bed.

This is NOT why I help and interact so much with the Horror Community. I did even before I got the “BIG C”, so this is nothing new for me. I love Discussing Horror Movies, Discovering Indie Horror Films, Promoting Horror Projects, Discovering NEW Talented Actresses, Actors, Writers, Directors, Producers, Podcast, Artists… you can’t my point. Yes I have my eyes on many, waiting to see what’s next that will put a smile on my face ❤️. Promoting Horror Projects, and just Shooting the Shit with ALL you WONDERFUL HUMANS in the Horror Community ❤️

I’ve had a great life. It’s my journey. Some Bad but Mostly Good and it made me the person I am today. I decided to share EVERYTHING because WordPress allows me to ramble 😂. And why not share it with the people that my entire life has revolved around. HORROR FANS!

Image ©️ ‘Put Yourself Together’ By: Dwight Francis Frankenstein. Website: moodswingsonthenet. High Quality Canvas Prints Available.